Time and time again, the way certain things line up in my life reminds me that every single thing happens exactly as it’s meant to. I’ve been looking for a way to deal with some things, and as this challenge progresses, the more I’m scolding myself for not turning to my pen sooner.
The hardest thing I’ve had to deal with on this journey through adulthood is seeing things for what they really are.
In F is for Failure and Forgiveness I made mention of the standards that were expected of us, and how I differed from the rest of my siblings. I was raised during a time where children were sheltered from a lot of family drama. I’ve realised certain hard truths about my own, and it’s been a challenge finding ways to deal with it. As grateful as I am for my family, one of the biggest failings we do have is that we are each other’s harshest critics. The smallest mistakes have many times been met with monumental over reactions (usually born from an overbearing need to protect you from yourself). And where a more understanding response could have resulted in quicker resolutions, judgemental reactions have resulted in an unnecessary prolonging of drama.
My fear of failure stems from my fear of judgement, especially from those whom I should consider my safe space.
Now that I am a part of the “adults” of the family, I’ve made a commitment to break certain generational curses with our children (sidebar: I’m an aunt to 24). I have a different relationship with each of my nieces and nephews, with some I am very close, with others not so much. Regardless, I treat them all as my own, and I’ve tried to let them know that they can come to me with anything.
Some of them have made some big mistakes, some of them have gone through the worst kind of trauma. And while I will never force their confidences, my hope always is that they know that though I won’t shield them from the truth, I won’t ever treat their confidences with judgement. They may just carry my judgement over one mistake and let it influence every future experience they have, and I never want to be the reason they hold themselves hostage to their failures.
I don’t think any person can say that they’re not judgemental. We all are and at times we can’t control it.
But while we may not be able to control the thought, I do believe we can control the expression of it. And when I feel like I’m about to slip, I remind myself of the following…